Saturday, September 4, 2010

Life Changes

I don't have any new projects to share. I was doing so good with this blog and crafting, and then I just had a major downward spiral in my world. It wasn't any one thing; that is what made it so hard for me - that I was getting so low, depressed, and could be so down yet not be able to identify why. Yes, losing my Mom is still very raw and I miss her so much, and my health is very limiting... but I think I've survived other things that were very traumatic and painful and never got this low or unstable. So I have no clear answers about why, all I know is that I am better now, and I feel like I'm at least finally headed in the right direction and that I hope it lasts. I spent my whole summer crying. Even when I was doing things I love (swimming or spending time with loved ones) I was still so sad and empty. My health had a lot to do with it. I am so limited by my health and pain issues, I can't do normal things. Often I can't stand or walk for more than 5 minutes without excruciating back pain. There are lots of other problems, but that is the one that dictates my life. I hate people who walk around with a chip on their shoulder and complain "poor me". I know that everyone has their own issues and I also know and accept that life isn't fair and it is not for me to judge for myself or anyone else. So, instead of complain I tend to withdraw and pull away from everyone and everything that I can. I do not want to be a burden on anyone. Now I am working harder to be more positive, to do more and more even if it hurts, and remain hopeful and optomistic that having weight loss surgery will decrease my pain (losing weight would seem like it would have to help if my poor joints are carrying around a LOT less weight than it is now). I think it will also help my fibromyalgia pain and breathing issues. Maybe it will cure my obstructive sleep apnea (which is severe and isn't even consistently controlled using an APAP). I miss working. I worked so hard working and going to college as a full time wife and mother to earn my nursing degree. This certainly isn't where I planned to be now when I was doing that. I have been told that it is unrealistic, but I do want to work as a nurse again. I am keeping my nursing license active, and I will continue to hope that I will physically be able to work again some day. I will pray for and believe in miracles. I don't know what God's plan is, but it seems he isn't done with me yet (if he was I don't think I would have made it through this summer). So here I am, struggling yet seeing light again after spending a very long time in a very dark and hopeless hole, and climbing out ever so steadily. Thank God for my wonderful husband who has been by my side loving me through it all. No matter what happens we remain solid and I do believe he is my true soulmate. If you are readying this Mark, I love you to infinity and beyond. I haven't forgotten all of you who are my dear friends, I just have not been able to talk on the phone or do much of anything. Having any sort of conversation has been a struggle because I have not been able to control my crying. How I hate that... I envy those who are able to not cry. I'm much better now and that is good. I find crying in front of others to be extremely embarrassing. If I didn't return a phone call, that is why. I hope you can accept my apology for that and now understand why you haven't heard from me. Hopefully you will see me around more and maybe I can even get crafty again. I bought a ton of new stamps back in May that I haven't used yet. They need to be broken in soon. These days we are also very busy finding a new place to live. It feels very bittersweet. This house is beautiful and is just the kind of house I always dreamed of living in. When we first moved in Michael and Mark's 3 girls were still living home with us. Oh the memories, and I just loved having a big family. The sibling rivalry was fierce at times but Michael wasn't about to have his 3 step sisters getting the best of him. This is the last home Michael lived in. It is where so many of my best (and worst) memories of him were made. So, in that regard it will be hard to leave, yet moving feels right on most of the other levels. All the kids are grown up and living on their own and this house is way too big for us. My body is going to love having a 1 story home so I don't have to climb stairs as much (climbing stairs is painful). We've been looking around and really trying to figure out what our options are, and what will work best for us. Because of Kato (our Chocolate Lab) many places won't rent to us. We are heavily leaning towards buying a double wide manufactured home. Mark found it this week. It was used as a classroom for one of the school districts. That means it has all the basics but is almost like a blank canvas for us to finish it off the way we want. Right now it 2 HUGE classrooms (all carpeted and walls finished) with a bathroom, a couple of storage closets, and a small entry way. I am very excited. We've done a lot of research and it looks like we will be able to remodel it into a home within our budget. I am happy to get a place we will own. If everything falls into place as we hope, we will be putting it way back behind my brothers house. Perfect spot, private, and closer to family. I will miss Augusta and being close to everything... but not knowing where Mark's job will lead us, we need to make sure our roots are too deep wherever we live. Mark has been working on getting rid of things we don't need or want. So far he has taken 4 truck loads full of stuff to Goodwill and 5 loads to the dump. He's also taken a couple of loads of things to store at my Dad's until we get moved. You should see this place.... you'd never know we've removed anything. Moving is going to take a long time. We have way too much stuff. Wish us luck. Between all this I am making lots of trips to Portland meeting all the requirements needed to be approved for the Gastric bypass surgery. This is a big deal and I know that the risk of NOT having the surgery is far greater than to have it. I dread the process but I have researched everything and I really think I have what it takes to make my surgery and recovery be a success. I know it will be a whole new way of life and I say BRING IT ON!